So, during my 34 years as a single person, I was the one who when people would tell me that I'd be a good parent, I'd laugh and give some line related to liking my sleep too much or enjoying doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to, etc. My mom would say nice things about what a good mom I would be someday and I would ask in amazement how something that size comes out of something THAT size (I'm still a little thrown on that one). I greatly admired those who were parents, seeing the selflessness that went into parenting and caring for a child. The idea of parenthood seemed impossible to me as first, I hadn't found Mr. Right and second, I wasn't sure if parenthood was for me. My own childhood was mixed with good and bad but some dysfunction that I knew I'd rather not repeat. Also, I'd watched so many children with serious issues come through my doors at work. Parenthood was not something to be taken lightly. I would often come home at the end of the day feeling exhausted, thankful for a quiet evening. Sometimes I'd catch myself thinking that there's no way I'd have energy to be a parent after a day like this!
Funny how life can change. Along came C and with him came new and different thoughts about having a family. What seemed impossible when I was single now seemed possible. I found myself having thoughts just wondering what it might be like to have a child. C was interested in having a family and over time, I began to imagine myself in the role of "mom". Fears and thoughts of why parenthood may not be for me changed to seeing possibilities of why it was for me. Fears of being imperfect were replaced with a new confidence and hopes for creating something different, not carrying on the parts I didn't like about my childhood but choosing to pass on the ones I did like. C and I have had many conversations over our first two years of being married about what life might be like as parents, changes, hopes, dreams, etc. We've found ourselves watching people around us more closely as they've taken on the role of parenthood. We've had the chance to watch C's brother and sister-in-law as they've been raising our two year old nephew. When we went on our trip out West last summer, we knew this might be our last big trip together before we added a new addition. We enjoyed our travels and looked forward to what the future might bring. Sure, there are still feelings of being terrified mixed in with the excited feelings. But now I can appreciate the gift of parenthood and the miracle of it all, knowing there will be sleepless nights, knowing there will be ups and downs and yes, even accepting the fact that I won't be perfect at it and I will make mistakes.
This last week, I've been more deeply taking in how our lives will change in the next few months. In some ways, I feel like I'm saying goodbye to who I am now and hello to my new life as a parent. As I was cleaning recently and looking for different items for our church yard sale, I came across something I hadn't seen in awhile, something I'd forgotten all about, a colorful bib, with multicultural children all over it and words such as "smiles", "joy", "happiness", and "giggles". I smiled inside as I remembered purchasing this bib for a baby shower gift sometime between my undergrad and graduate school days. I really liked the bib and didn't think anyone else would appreciate it near as much so decided to keep it and buy something else as a gift instead. I put the bib away and decided this would be something to keep for my own child someday. Funny that this person who didn't know if she was going to have a child, this person who was quick to say "Me, a parent?" put away a little bit of hope and a dream that maybe, just maybe, she would be a mom someday.
Funny how life can change. Along came C and with him came new and different thoughts about having a family. What seemed impossible when I was single now seemed possible. I found myself having thoughts just wondering what it might be like to have a child. C was interested in having a family and over time, I began to imagine myself in the role of "mom". Fears and thoughts of why parenthood may not be for me changed to seeing possibilities of why it was for me. Fears of being imperfect were replaced with a new confidence and hopes for creating something different, not carrying on the parts I didn't like about my childhood but choosing to pass on the ones I did like. C and I have had many conversations over our first two years of being married about what life might be like as parents, changes, hopes, dreams, etc. We've found ourselves watching people around us more closely as they've taken on the role of parenthood. We've had the chance to watch C's brother and sister-in-law as they've been raising our two year old nephew. When we went on our trip out West last summer, we knew this might be our last big trip together before we added a new addition. We enjoyed our travels and looked forward to what the future might bring. Sure, there are still feelings of being terrified mixed in with the excited feelings. But now I can appreciate the gift of parenthood and the miracle of it all, knowing there will be sleepless nights, knowing there will be ups and downs and yes, even accepting the fact that I won't be perfect at it and I will make mistakes.
This last week, I've been more deeply taking in how our lives will change in the next few months. In some ways, I feel like I'm saying goodbye to who I am now and hello to my new life as a parent. As I was cleaning recently and looking for different items for our church yard sale, I came across something I hadn't seen in awhile, something I'd forgotten all about, a colorful bib, with multicultural children all over it and words such as "smiles", "joy", "happiness", and "giggles". I smiled inside as I remembered purchasing this bib for a baby shower gift sometime between my undergrad and graduate school days. I really liked the bib and didn't think anyone else would appreciate it near as much so decided to keep it and buy something else as a gift instead. I put the bib away and decided this would be something to keep for my own child someday. Funny that this person who didn't know if she was going to have a child, this person who was quick to say "Me, a parent?" put away a little bit of hope and a dream that maybe, just maybe, she would be a mom someday.
I love you, and I love reading about your thoughts and experiences through this entire process.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, mistakes go with the territory in all of life's endeavors. The trick is to learn from them, and to make new and different mistakes than those we saw and lived through during our own growing-up years.
I had a similar experience to your finding the bib, albeit one in a different arena. Through the 1990s, I had 4 elderly friends who were very dear to me. Among the many gifts their friendship gave me were healthy templates for aging. They embraced new technologies, welcomed new people into their lives, laughed and made outrageous jokes about the very real health issues they were dealing with. Yes, that's how I want to age. Not like a next door neighbor I had at the time. I saw her becoming more bitter and less rational with every passing month. The Social Services assessment and help that Jeff eventually initiated for her was necessary but far from welcome. I had a picture right at hand of how I didn't want to age; the friends across the ocean were a marvelous counterbalance with all of their examples of how I do.
A few years after they'd all passed away, I found myself needing to rely on medical device that I'll most likely need to use for the rest of my life. As I was thinking through the reality of that, I remembered telling one of my elderly friends about how the cane he needed wasn't an embarrassment, it was a powerful tool. It enabled him to do things and go places he otherwise wouldn't be able to. I realized I needed to look at my own medical device the same way -- and I was surprised to realize that one of those templates for aging I'd received from the friendships was in the sound of my own voice. In talking with Chuck, I was also talking to my future self. Just like you were looking out for what's turned out to be your own future self when you saved that particular bib.
That's so loving, and so incredibly good. Hopes and dreams, oh yes. And the reality of it will be far, far richer than anything imagined. Perfect? No. Utterly amazing? Yes. Totally.